Those Nonsensical Moments
by Only Sometimes
Summary: A series of short one shots that revolve around a few of our favorite characters as they experience some of the strangest, most awkward, hopefully hilarious moments of their lives.
1. Juneau

Not sure how long this whole thing will be, it all just depends on how people like it and how many weird moods I find myself in late at night. So, review if you want it to keep going, don't if you don't. It's a very simple process.

Happy reading, doll face!

* * *

_Teapots, a book about teapots. Honestly. _Ginny Weasley mentally grumbled as she walked through Flourish & Blott's, her face in the book she had just picked up for her mother's birthday. She was almost convinced that her mother had picked this strange topic just to frustrate her daughter.

"Excuse me, Miss Weasley, nearly stepped on your foot . All apologies." a kindly looking old man with moon spectacles, whole, not half, and a very pointy chin raised his pointed hat to Ginny, who just stared for a moment as the rest of the world kept moving.

"I'm sorry, do I know you? Your voice is very familiar…" Ginny finally said, pretty much positive the book she had picked up was cursed and she was delusional.

"Again, apologies! I forgot how difficult it has been to recognize me since I got my new glasses and shaved."

"See, that's not funny, because you probably know that your voice sounds quite a bit like Dumbledore's, and this is a really mean trick, and also very rude. Now I need a nap because you have made my head hurt."

"I don't see why my voice should not sound like Dumbledore's, that is my surname."

"What, are you the cousin of Albus Dumbledore?"

"No."

"Another brother?"

"Not that I know of."

"Then do explain."

"Well, I'm Albus Dumbledore, former headmaster of Hogwarts."

"That's impossible, Dumbledore's dead."

"Whatever makes you say that?'

"…I attended his funeral. I got dumped at his funeral! Snape got in quite a bit of trouble for the whole 'murdering Dumbledore' thing! And Dumbledore has a beard! It's pretty much his trademark, and half moon spectacles. And did I mention he's dead?"

"Yes, you did mention that a few times." the supposed Dumbledore answered, a distinct twinkle in his eyes. "But I'm afraid you are incorrect, I'm not dead."

"If you're not dead, then what happened?!"

"I shaved my beard and got new glasses. Apparently those two little things are what made me recognizable to the general public, aside from you, of course, Miss Weasley."

"Then where have you been? You missed the whole bloody war!"

"Yes, unfortunate timing on my part, although it seems Harry did a splendid job without me, with plenty of help, of course. I took a rather long vacation on a cruise of Alaska, in the United States."

"Where'd you go in Alaska?"

"Oh, Juneau."

"No, I don't know."

"Juneau, Alaska."

"Professor, I don't know anything about Alaska. Where did you go?"

"Juneau!"

"No, I don't know! Please tell me!"

"Juneau! I went to Juneau!"

"You're not making any sense! Just tell me where you went!"

"Miss Weasley! Juneau!"

"NO I don't! So stop trying to teach me and just tell me where you went in Alaska!!!"

"JUNEAU!"

"FINE! I don't care anymore! Stop trying to tell me I know something I clearly do not know!"

"Since we have exhausted this topic, Miss Weasley, is there anything else you would like to know besides polite conversation?"

"Uh, actually…Yes…Before the war, there was a bit of speculation about your past…and I was wondering…"

"Is this about my intense mother? Domineering father? Loose canon brother? Damaged sister? Dog that ran away when I was seven?"

"Actually…Headmaster, are you attracted to girls?"

"Not even a little."

"Really? I always heard you were into McGonagall."

"Oh, goodness no! Not Minerva! Not even a little, blech!" Dumbledore had a look on his face that seemed to imply that he had just eaten a very old piece of broccoli.

"I always thought she looked pretty decent for her age, Professor." Ginny mumbled, growing even more uncomfortable.

"It's not that, Miss Weasley. It's, well, girls have cooties. No offense to yourself, my dear, but all of you do."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Cooties. You know, what we're warned about as kids, about girls having them so we had better leave them alone. It's all true. Now if you will forgive me, I really must be going. I'll see you soon, hopefully, Miss Weasley."

"Uh, alright, g'bye, then Professor."

Watching her former headmaster leave the book store, she came to the conclusion that she would not be telling this story to Harry, or anyone for that matter.


	2. Tea Time with Mrs Longbottom

This time, we get a glimpse into Neville's reality. I know I just said I'd need review to decide whether or not to continue, but I'm a liar. There, I said it. It's out there. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

Enjoy, sugar butt!

* * *

"Now, Neville, your grandfather passed away quite awhile ago, and I have been alone for a very long time, now."

"Gran, I am not ready for this. Not at all."

Sitting uncomfortably in his grandmother's living room for tea, Hogwarts graduate Neville Longbottom could not help but wonder what could be worse than the conversation they were about to have.

"Neville, I want you to meet my new boyfriend, my Sevvy-poo."

There was a very long horrible moment as Neville watched his former potions professor walk in from his grandmother's bedroom, where he had apparently been napping, and wearing a dressing robe, proof he'd been staying there.

"Gran! You're dating my dead professor!" Neville yelped, sloshing tea down his front and not caring.

"Neville! Careful with my tea cups! They're older than you!"

"And he's younger than you!" Neville pointed out, feeling terrified. "And, oh yeah, he's dead!"

"Longbottom, don't be so dramatic. Next you'll be telling me that Dumbledore died." Snape drawled, looking thoroughly unamused.

"He did! You killed him!"

"Don't believe everything you read, Longbottom!"

"What are you talking about? You killed him then you died and Harry decided you were a good guy after all!" The air hung thick with the awkwardness of this whole situation. Slowly, as if they were hoping Neville wouldn't notice, Snape slid his hand over to Mrs. Longbottom's knee, who stifled a giggle.

"Merlin's sake, Gran! He's old enough to be your son!" Neville finally cried out, unable to take it anymore.

"Your grandmother's young at heart, Longbottom." Snape cooed in a voice that was meant to be silky but struck Neville as just greasy.

"It turns out I'm a cougar!" Neville's grandmother squealed, throwing her hands in the air with excitement.

"A what?" Neville asked, wanting to know what large animals had to do with the whole situation.

"A cougar, an older woman who goes for younger men. Seeing as most of the men in my age are either boring or dying, it makes sense."

"Besides that, she doesn't look a day over 55." Snape purred, Neville gagged, but then took a deep breath and decided to try his best to be civil.

"So, how did you two meet?" he asked, regretting the words as soon as they hit the air.

"Well, I ran into him at the supermarket, as I was making a cashier boy apologize, and Sevvy-poo heard the they boy call me 'Mrs. Longbottom' and asked if I was the Mrs. Longbottom, and I said yes, and he mentioned how in your third year, you made him, my Sevvy-poo, wear my vulture hat in the form of a boggart and we had a good laugh, and haven't stopped having fun since!" Neville's grandmother giggled like a school girl, blushing madly at the whole story.

Neville gaped like a gold fish, not only was his grandmother dating, she was dating a younger man, a younger man who he was almost positive was dead, who had also been his potions master, who had made his life hell for years, and was nibbling on his grandmother's earlobe.

"I have to go." Neville said in a rushed voice, standing up rather suddenly.

"You're not done with tea yet!" his mother objected, looking insulted.

"I have lost my appetite! Good bye to you both! AND I WILL NEVER CALL YOU GRANDPA!" Neville stormed out of the house, positive that no one had ever had a more ridiculous tea time in the history of tea.


	3. Gurgles

It's been forever, I know. For shame, for shame, for shame. But read this anyway and be happy! Haaaaaaapppppppy!

* * *

It was becoming increasingly difficult to read her book. By the second. It actually reached the point of being impossible and Ginny Weasley stared at the word "gurgles" for six straight minutes before slamming the book shut.

"What?!" she demanded, looking the smirking Draco Malfoy in the eye as he sat across from her (at the GRYFFINDOR table no less).

"You know what I'm thinking." he raised an eye brow in an effort to be as attractive as possible. Ginny was almost positive that it had been waxed.

"No, I don't. In fact, I'm not even sure that you ARE thinking. Get away from my table, you're corrupting the muffins."

"Am I now?"

"Yes! Look at them! They once looked delightful! Now they just look…greasey. Do you and Snape use the same hair tonic? Is it a house thing?"

The Great Hall was abandoned besides the two of them, a lovely Saturday, before lunch, where everyone else was out on the grounds. Ginny, however, had been meaning to read this book for ages and had come to the Great Hall to be left alone.

"Weaselette, go ahead and admit it, you want to see me with my clothes off." Malfoy drawled, taking delight in each word.

"I do not want to see you with your clothes off, on, or in any other situation involving you or clothes…unless, perhaps said clothes are on fire as you wear them."

"Feeling a bit naught, Weaselette?"

"Stop calling me Weaselette, ferret."

Draco narrowed his eyes at the female. His plan was not working. This was not a good thing. In fact, it was bad.

"Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Why won't you just shag me already?!"

"Oh, Merlins wand, you're throwing a tantrum."

"Not Merlins wand! My wand!"

"That is disgusting."

Draco crossed his arms in frustration. This was not how the world worked, at least not his world. He was supposed to be surrounded by fan girls who sighed at the mere mention of his body.

"Really though, why won't you just give in and hop into the sack with me? I secretly have my own amazing bedroom decorated in green and silver with a lavish fireplace and mirror on the ceiling."

"Still not enticed."

"But why?!"

"What do you expect to happen, Malfoy?! I shag you once, it's not awkward at all but just erotic and magical and then I get pregnant and I'm all upset, but you stick around and we somehow fall in love and my family eventually warms up to you because we're so in love and have a beautiful baby with some bizarre name and live happily ever after in a place where it's okay that I'll be a teen mum?!"

"Well, no that's a bit over dramatic."

"Yeah, which is why I'm going to read my book in peace, it's a very interesting book, it has the word 'gurgles.'"

"Gurgles? Really? Why?"

"I don't know, I haven't gotten past that word!"

Draco remained seated as Ginny tried to get past the same word, still staring, still pouting.

"What now?!" she finally insisted, now stuck on the phrase 'like your drunken grandmum.'

"I'm bored. Give me another conquest!"

"A what?"

"Another girl! One who no one would expect. Like you, with the whole house rivalry thing. Make it juicy!"

"Gods, Malfoy. You are disgusting."

"Sacrifice someone else or I'll just keep after you! We could even do it just as a way for you to make Harry jealous in a melodramatic sort of way!"

"Fine! Go after someone in another house! Go after a Hufflepuff!"

"A Hufflepuff? Interesting…Who? I don't really know any…Which will make this all the juicier! Oh, what a way to prove I hate my father."

"Geez, I don't know any Hufflepuffs…Don't suppose you want Ernie McMillan…Oh, wait, go after that one girl. His little friend who doesn't really do anything…Hannah Abbott!"

"Hannah Abbott….Yes, that's perfect! She's perfect! I'll shag her and shock everyone and then I will prove myself as the Slytherin sex god and make everyone squeal yet slightly uncomfortable!"

"Right, brilliant, now _leave_."

Ginny did feel a bit guilty over the whole situation, even more so a few months later when Hannah Abbott obviously put on a few pounds and wore looser robes, but really, better Hannah than her.


End file.
